What I wouldn’t Give for a Do-Over

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Those adorable little girls are my daughters, Megan (left) and Meredith (right) taken when we lived in Jefferson City, many years ago.

Meredith turned 18 this month, and will graduate from high school in 6 weeks.  I went to see them yesterday, to celebrate with her.  My heart is so full of love for her.  I am so very proud of how she has grown up.

I look at the picture here, and I wish I could go back in time, to that day.  I want to go back to before I destroyed our relationship.  I want to go back to when she thought I was the best mom ever and I would have gladly moved mountains for her.

I want a do-over, a chance to not do all that I did to hurt her, and push her away.  I want to go back and tell her more often how much I love her and how proud I am of her.  I want to go back and start over, and make better choices, give them a better life.

I have lost the past two years with them.  On the surface, it looks like  I’ve accepted they will never come live with me again.  The truth is, their absence echoes in my heart every day.  How many days have I wished the girls were here to tell me if I could wear this shirt with these shorts?  How many times have I needed them here to help me pick out the right shoes?

She has applied to college, and will major in child psychology.  I don’t know of a better career for her. She will be amazing, and she will learn so very much about herself.

We are healing the damage.  I know that I should be happy that they let me come see them, that they want to come see me.  Every time I leave them, all I can feel is all that I’ve lost.  Maybe someday I won’t.

Until then I’ll wish for a do-over.

About Becky

While control is an illusion, organization helps to manage the chaos of our lives. Becky was diagnosed with bipolar disorder in 2007. She has found that when her life and home are organized her bipolar mind is less manic. She shares her attempts at managing the chaos of living with her fiance and tweenage step-daughter, while trying to be a good parent to her mostly grown children who live 2 hours away.

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