This isn't the Life I Would Have Written for Myself. It's Better.

So this happened today #Icanlegallydriveagain

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So, that happened yesterday.  Not for my 17-year-old daughter Muri, for me.  I got my driver’s license. Again.  I had to take the written and the driving part.  Those suck when you’re 16, they suck even more when you’re 45.

I have cleared another hurdle.  Crossed one more thing off of my Thing-I-Have-To-Do-To-Get-My-Life-Back-Together list.  I have taken another step in rebuilding my life.

I am legally able to drive now.

My legal problems are behind me now.  I am done.  I just have to keep my nose clean now.  I am out of second chances.

When you hit rock bottom, and you bounce instead of crashing, you learn second chances are gifts and not guarantees.  And you learn that if you are lucky enough to get a second chance, don’t blow it.

I tried twice last year.  When doing my probation evaluation last month, my PO told he “I have never met anyone who attempted suicide and just woke up the next morning. Usually someone finds them and gets them the help they need. Or they don’t wake up at all.”    Nobody found me, especially not the second time, because nobody knew to come looking for me.  I just woke up, nobody came to save me, I just survived.

Clearly there is a reason.

So, I decided then and there, on my living room floor, throwing up, praying to die, knowing I wouldn’t, I decided it was time to get my shit together.  That running, dying, escaping wasn’t going to be the answer.  Owning and taking responsibility, and rebuilding was the only option I had.

I stood there the morning I woke up, and took a good hard look at my life.  I saw all the destruction and carnage of broken hearts, destroyed trust, shattered dreams in the rear view mirror of my life.  When you stand at that point, standing at the crossroads of life you can make a choice.  Choose to continue to live the destructive life you have lived, knowing you’ll never be truly happy or at peace, or you can change.  You can take responsibility, you can own your shit, and you can make better choices.

I chose life, or rather it chose me.  But I chose happiness.  I owned my part, I mended some fences, I burned many bridges.  I cut loose toxic people and I started the hard work of repairing damaged relationships.  I have been rewarded with wonderful true friends who bring so much laughter and joy to my life.  And I have been blessed with an amazing man who loves me like I have never been loved before.

This isn’t the life I would have written for myself, in fact it is so much better than the life I could have imagined six months ago.  I haven’t cleared all the hurdles in front of me yet.  I still need a job desperately, I still have relationships to mend and that takes time.  I need a better place to live, but I know now that all of those things are possible with hard work and not giving up.


About Becky

While control is an illusion, organization helps to manage the chaos of our lives. Becky was diagnosed with bipolar disorder in 2007. She has found that when her life and home are organized her bipolar mind is less manic. She shares her attempts at managing the chaos of living with her fiance and tweenage step-daughter, while trying to be a good parent to her mostly grown children who live 2 hours away.

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