Today has been difficult for me. Truth be told, the past few days have been difficult. I’m a little off-center. I’m just manic enough to want to punch people in the throat, and just depressed enough to think that will just take entirely too much energy.
I’ve been told I am one of the most self-aware bipolar patients my therapist has ever worked with. I’ve been told that by a couple of therapists. That makes me an oddity, a unicorn of sorts. Being self-aware does not always mean I can stop a mood swing, it does not mean I always want to take care of myself. I just know where I am on the spectrum most of the time.
Sam said to me “You seem off today”. I know that he means well. I know that it’s great to have someone in my life who understands my disorder, and isn’t afraid of it. I also know that when I’m off center his asking about my moods, sounds a lot like analyzing and I don’t want to be analyzed by my boyfriend. It’s not his job to fix me.
I’m lucky in that I can be honest with him. I can tell him “I know I’m sliding, and I know this because I want to punch you in the throat.” He offers me a safe place to vent, and an easy target. It’s easy to lash out at him, even when I don’t mean it. I try not to, because guilt sucks. So I tell him “I won’t unload on you because I’ll lash out and hurt you, and feel like shit about it. I’m trying not to feel like shit. So, yeah.”
And he knows exactly what I mean. It doesn’t stop him from wanting to help, but it does stop him from talking to me.
To be honest though, a pint of Ben & Jerry’s Cheesecake Brownie ice cream made me feel better. Or maybe it was the trip to Wal*Mart, that got me out of the house. Maybe it’s the fact that he’s going to cook dinner tonight, after working all day, while I have spent the entire day in my room, on my laptop supposedly working on my plan to achieve world domination.
I know how lucky I am, even if I don’t believe in luck, to have someone who understands my chemically imbalanced brain from the outside. He loves me enough to know I will hate that he asks about me. But he asks anyway.