I am Capable of Damn Near Anything

It was a good first day of 2016 #nofilter #365project

Source: https://www.flickr.com/photos/rdh-photo/

Don’t ask me how I got there, because I am not sure I could tell you how I ended up reading Britt’s archives from a very difficult time in her life.  I would think that if she didn’t want her words read again she would have taken them down, and so I make no apologies for spending some time reading words that were once important to her.

In her post Don’t Cry For Me Argentina (or Internet) (or Mom) she wrote the following

I am breathing.  I am walking.  I am owning my part and rebuilding in the calm aftermath.  The thing about having a hand in your own destruction is that you can no longer deny your own power.  For good.  For evil.  For things that just are.  Once you have seen what you are capable of, it’s impossible to ignore, well, what you are capable of.

At this point, I have to assume I am capable of damn near anything.

Those words resonated through me. I am owning my part and rebuilding in the calm of the aftermath.  Hello 2014.  When I woke up from my last suicide attempt and knew my only choice was to own my part, and rebuild the life I had mad such a mess of.   I had to own my part, and the owning started with admitting the truth of the situation.  Admitting it first to myself, out loud in the quiet of my empty house.  The admitting the truth to other people would come, along with apologizing, and repairing the damage I had caused.

As for the rest, I can no longer deny my own power.  I sit here, 2 years later, and see how far I have come. The same power it took to lie to the people I loved, and destroy the trust they had in me, was the same power it took to tell the truth, and to earn their trust again.  If I can wake up from 2 suicide attempts that doctors tell me I should have never survived, if I can rebuild trust, and repair relationships, if I can learn to stand on my own, then what limits are there on my power to do anything? 

There are none. 

And so it is armed with this knowledge that I face 2016.  Once you have seen what you are capable of, it’s impossible to ignore, well, what you are capable of.  I have seen my power to destroy, I must have equal power to create, rebuild, repair. It is time to tap into that power, and see just what I can do. 

At this point, I have to assume I am capable of damn near anything. 

About Becky

While control is an illusion, organization helps to manage the chaos of our lives. Becky was diagnosed with bipolar disorder in 2007. She has found that when her life and home are organized her bipolar mind is less manic. She shares her attempts at managing the chaos of living with her fiance and tweenage step-daughter, while trying to be a good parent to her mostly grown children who live 2 hours away.

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