Better

10249149_1635833753335850_336014999_n(1)I have been out of jail 2 years now.  Two years, 3 months and 21 days actually. I was sitting in jail, (again) and I was 45 years old.  There comes a point when you realize you’re too old, and too smart to still be doing this stupid shit.  That was the day I decided I was going to do better.  

It has been 842 days of doing better.

It has been 1 year, 11 months, and 27 days since I woke up on my living room floor after swallowing entirely too many pills two days before.  It the middle of that hell, between the seizures and the vomiting I realized I was going to fail at yet another suicide attempt.  When my head finally cleared, I realized I only had one choice.  I had tried to run from my problems and had failed, so I had to fix them. 

It has been 726 days of getting better.

There are people around my life who need me to continue to be broken and sick and crazy. They have sat by, watching the past 726 days waiting for me to stumble, waiting for a hint that I’m unstable, that I’m falling apart.  They have wasted 726 days of their lives waiting for something they could use against me. 

In those 726 days I went to all of my court dates, I reported for probation, I even completed 90 days of house arrest. I like to say I got my shit together but that is such a generic phrase.  I grew up, I took responsibility for my actions, I faced the consequences. 

I fell in love with a man who knows all my flaws, all my faults, all my shortcomings, and he loves me in spite of all of that. I defined boundaries and I maintained them.  I took responsibility for my mental health and started taking care of me.  And along with being out of jail for 842 days I have been stable for 726.  In the past 726 days I have not swallowed handfuls of pills. I have not drunk myself into oblivion.  I have not put a knife to my arm.  I have made a happy life for myself.

Last July I wrote

You would think everyone would be happy for me.  You would think.  Not so much.  Strange as it is to write, there are those who don’t want me whole, who want need me to stay broken.  Their life is easier if I am a broken hot mess.  I can be ignored, and blown off, and walked on if I’m a broken mess.  It’s much harder when I am healthy, and stable and strong enough to stand up for myself.

Some things never change.  They are still waiting for me to fall, to break, to sink so low into a depression I virtually disappear.  That’s what they need me to do.  They can then justify their actions by just pointing their judgmental fingers at me. 

I won’t give them that satisfaction.  I won’t stay broken for them.  I am happy, I am healthy, I am whole and I intend to continue to do better, to be better. 

About Becky

While control is an illusion, organization helps to manage the chaos of our lives. Becky was diagnosed with bipolar disorder in 2007. She has found that when her life and home are organized her bipolar mind is less manic. She shares her attempts at managing the chaos of living with her fiance and tweenage step-daughter, while trying to be a good parent to her mostly grown children who live 2 hours away.

5 comments to Better

  • Caroline

    I have followed you for years and also do on FB and I have actually thought of writing you a PM recently letting you know how awesome you have done. I am so happy for you . Be PROUD girl, you deserve it, and much happiness to you and Sam.

    • Thank you so much! And PMs are always welcome. Life is truly better than I once believed it could be. I’m glad I stuck around for it.

  • Good for you!! Any comeback story is an inspirational one! Don’t forget that ever.